I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Too much gin, very little bucket
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize