There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If I die, sorry about rent.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
