I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
