dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
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You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
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LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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