This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
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They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
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Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.