my computer doesn't work...
i puked on it last night
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.