i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
