you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
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It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
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I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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