I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
