What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I have post one night stand depression
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
