I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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