My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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