I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
