You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize