Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
