dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
