I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So many bounce houses so little time
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
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In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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