Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
