just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
