i permit you to call me
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
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I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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