my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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