I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
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i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize