my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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