I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
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Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
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He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
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So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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