guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize