i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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