I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
