I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
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i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
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I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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