we were pretty classy up until the second keg
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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