You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
