she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize