i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
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Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
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Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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