Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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