Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
