I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
