I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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