You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
