Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
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I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
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Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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