I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Dicks are not precious.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed