she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way