how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
