he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
