My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
