So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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