Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
