got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
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remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
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HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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