Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Quick, to the slutcave!
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
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you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
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I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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