I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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