I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
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whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
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I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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