there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
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Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
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Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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