I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
