He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
