the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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