I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
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I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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